A Woman Never Lies

A Woman Never Lies
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam
Director	John B. Hobbs
Transmission Details
Airdate	19 January 1992
Continuity
Previous	Arousing Suspicions
Next	Hitler's Last Heil

Plot

René, Edith, Mimi, Yvette, Michelle, officer Crabtree and monsieur Alfonse are all escaping from the château in the real flamenco troupe's van. As René and Mimi give Michelle their wax cylinders, monsieur Alfonse also gives Michelle what he got from the château - the photograph of lieutenant Gruber holding the painting of The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. They are all really surprised at this, since the painting has been missing for two years.

The next morning, colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and private Geerhart are discussing yesterday's performance. As they are doing this, a men enters the room. He is dressed as a flamenco dancer, presents himself as Juan Garcia and asks for the photograph. When Gruber claims he has already given it to him and he says he and his troupe were not there, the Germans are beginning to get suspicious, particularly as Gruber is certain this Juan is not the man he gave to photograph to.

In the café, Michelle explains to René and Edith, that the phonograph will arrive at the café that same afternoon and they will all record a broadcast session. Then, the machine will be put into a coffin in monsieur Alfonse's hearse and he will drive it around in the countryside. Secondly, she informs them that the resistance will blackmail the Germans about the photograph and demand ten million francs not to reveal it to general Von Klinkerhoffen. After this, she leaves the café.

As the Germans are wondering who has the photograph, Gruber suggests it could only have been the resistance who took it. He turns out to be right, as a brick is thrown through the window the second later. Helga reads the note attached to it and the three of them decide that in order to come up with ten million francs for the ransom, they shall have to rob their own garrison pay truck, disguised as resistance girls. To make it seem as if they are many more people, they will use some stored up rubber dummies to place along the roadside and disguise them too.

Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are preparing a lunch for Helga. Herr Flick even pours a glass of wine, which she will drink. He puts some truth serum in it and when she arrives at his headquarters a few seconds later and drink the wine, she goes into a trance and tells him everything he wants to know. He asks her of the whereabouts of the painting and she tells him, that she has given it to Von Strohm and Gruber, and that it has been photographed for valuation. She further reveals, that the photograph has fallen into the hands of the resistance, who are blackmailing them, and that they will rob the pay truck to get the money. Herr Flick then decides, that he and Von Smallhausen should also dress up like resistance girls to intercept them. He then wakes Helga up from her trance.

At the café, the gang, including René, Edith, Mimi, Yvette, Michelle, officer Crabtree, monsieur Alfonse, madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc, rehearse the broadcast, with varying success. They do not always know what to read or when to say their lines and Crabtree, who is making sound effects, gets them wrong too. Finally, they manage to record a resistance song, accompanied by monsieur LeClerc's playing the piano. As they play the recorded song to listen too it, they are all convinced that nobody will recognise their voices during the broadcast - the sound has been speeded up, making their voices very squeaky, because the machine is designed for AC/DC current and they only have DC.

Von Strohm and Helga, dressed as resistance girls, put a redirect sign on the road and then ride a motorcycle with a sidecar down the road, to join Gruber, who is pumping the dummies full of air. Meanwhile, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen, also dressed as resistance girls, are roaming the countryside, looking for the pay truck. As the truck drives up to the road block the Germans have prepared, the three of them hold up the two drivers at gunpoint. They force them to get out of the car, open the back of it and take out the strongbox with the money. Then, they force the drivers into the back of the truck and they lock them up inside, after which the three of them escape with the money box on the motorcycle.

When they have gone, the two Gestapo officers find the truck. Thinking the robbery has not yet taken place, they try to find the drivers, but they do not see them in the back of the truck and since they are not in front, Herr Flick deduces that Von Strohm and Gruber have tried to rob the truck, but the drivers have repelled them and are now chasing them through the woods. Thus, the money should still be inside. He therefore decides, that they will driver the truck to his headquarters, where they will open it. However, before they have a chance to leave with it, general Von Klinkerhoffen turns upp in his armoured staff car, since he has also followed the redirect sign. Even though Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are disguised as resistance girls, the general immediately recognises them. As he is wondering what has happened, they tell him what they think has happened. However, at the next moment, bangs are heard from inside the truck. The general shoots off the lock and the drivers jump out of the truck. They tell him what really happened and as they point out, that the people who held them up were dressed just like the two Gestapo officers, the general suspect them and decides to arrest them to take them to the château for questioning.

Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc are lying in bed, crying for food. However, after a while, they discover René, Edith, monsieur Alfonse and Michelle in the square, standing next to a hearse. Inside it, there is a coffin, prepared with the phonograph and broadcast equipment (the horsewhip, sticking up from the top of the hearse, will function as an aerial). As madame Fanny try to call their attention by blowing her ear trumpet, the horse pulling the hearse is scared by the sound of it and bolts out of the square. To make things worse, Yvette comes running with a wax cylinder, which turns out to be the correct one. The one they have just loaded the phonograph with is the one that had a prerecorded message from general de Gaulle, in which René's name is mentioned. Thus, they all chase after the hearse.