Dead Man Marching

Dead Man Marching
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam
Director	John B. Hobbs
Transmission Details
Airdate	23 November 1992
Continuity
Previous	A Tour De France
Next	Tarts And Flickers

René is lying on a table in the café, while doctor Leconte is removing the buchshot from his rear and Edith, Mimi and Yvette assist him. Suddenly, Michelle enters the café, from the back passage. She wants to talk to René, but manages to wait until the doctor is done and has gone. She then convinces him to let himself be smuggled to England, to help with the invasion plans, now that the Germans think he is dead. The next moment, officer Crabtree enters the café, askin if everybody is ready for the procession. It then turns out, that René's personal belongings will be paraded through the square and then placed in the museum.

Michelle is about to leave, when she reminds René, that he will be picked up by plane at ten o'clock the same evening and that he must hide until then. Edith points out, that he cannot hide at the café, since the Germans might search it. As officer Crabtree comes up with the idea that he hide in the museum, Edith suggests he join the procession to get there and Michelle comes up with the idea of his dressing up as officer Crabtree, in order to be able to join the procession without being recognized.

Colonel Von Strohm finds lieutenant Gruber servicing his little tank, which he calls "Hubert Junior". Von Strohm reminds him that they are to join the procession and try to get the painting back, before Gruber accidentally squrts him with gasoline.

When Edith has dressed René in officer Crabtree's uniform, the café telephone rings. As Edith answers it, she is glad to her from her mother, who informs her, that she has returned from Paris (she is at the Nouvion train station at the moment), but that she and monsieur LeClerc has split up, after he has left her for a younger woman. The next moment, monsieur Alfonse enters the café, carrying René's boots and beret on a velvet cushion. He is fooled by René's disguise and thinks it really is officer Crabtree. When they ask him to hide René at the museum he says he has just the place for him. The next moment, a well-known face shows up, as monsieur LeClerc staggers into the café, having hiked all the way from Paris. As he wants to keep out of madame Fanny's way for a while (she being angry with him), monsieur Alfonse offers him to play the drum in the procession. However, before they leave the café, he gives Edith a note, given to him by the postman. It is a note from herr Flick, inviting Edith to tea with him in the afternoon. She then explains to René about herr Flick's behaviour earlier, with claiming he is really a British agent. As she is inclined to reject the offer of drinking tea, René instead urges her to accept, so that she might try to get some information as to the whereabouts of the missing booby. As they are about to go out to start the procession, Edith leaves a note to her mother on the bar and asks officer Crabtree, who is standing in his underwear and will not join the procession, to take some hot soup up to her mother's room, in preparation for her return. Doing so, he discovers that her bed feels rather nice and decides to lie down for a while and have "farty wonks".

The procession starts at the café and goes out into the square. There, monsieur Alfonse holds a short speech over René, after which he tells him (disguised as Crabtree) to collect money to pay for the display case in the museum. However, people are very reluctant to donate any, as they do not remember anything good about him. On the other hand, Gruber, who, together with Von Strohm, has joined the audience, is very willing to contribute. René avoids recognition from him by pulling his cap down over his eyes and speak in the mangled French that officer Crabtree uses. The procession then hurries off to the museum.

Meanwhile, madame Fanny returns to the café. She finds Edith's note, which says "I have left you something up in your bedroom, to warm you up." Having gone upstairs, she is overjoyed to find officer Crabtree in her bed, but he is not so glad and flees the room.

At the museum, René takes off most of the clothes he is wearing, so they can be given back to officer Crabtree. After Mimi, Yvette, LeClerc and Edith have said goodbye to him, they leave and head back to the café. Monsieur Alfonse also leaves to get René some new clothes. Meanwhile Gruber and Von Strohm head for the museum in Gruber's little tank, since Gruber wants to pay his last respects to René at the museum, as there were too many people in the square. They show up, just as René is about to try on a new pair of trousers. In desperation, monsieur Alfonse throws a blanket over him, to pretend he is one of the wax figures on display in the museum. Thus, René is forced to stand absolutely still - with his trousers down, since he has not had the time to put them on properly. Monsieur Alfonse tries to get them out of the room, but they keep watching different items, until they discover René, thinking it is a wax figure of him. While they are still in the room, René even sneezes twice, but monsieur Alfonse manages to fool them, that it is only a wax figure and finally make them leave, without having discovered it is really René.

As Edith shows up at herr Flick's headquarters, Helga opens the door for her on her way out. Herr Von Smallhausen then serves Edith some tea, spiked with a truth serum, extracted from the Peruvian porcupine at the height of the mating season. She soon falls into a trance, during which herr Flick asks her where the painting is. However, as she does not know where it is, she mentions places all over the café building where it could be hidden. As they get no useful information out of her, herr Flick snaps her out of her trance, warning her that there might be side effects to the serum - one of which begins almost immediately, making Edith's hair stand on end.

At the café, monsieur LeClerc has a few drinks and then try go upstairs, to reconcile himself with madame Fanny. However, she will not hear of it and throws him down the stairs. Meanwhile, at the museum, monsieur Alfonse hears somebody new coming. As René does not want to keep absolutely still acting a wax figure again, monsieur Alfonse makes him lie down on the replica of the town's French revolution guillotine. However, it is only officer Crabtree, wanting his trousers back. He also informs René, that the plane that was due to pick him up to go to England has been delayed for a week. The guillotine turns out to be an all-too-convincing working model, which René barely escapes. He refuses to play dead anymore. Instead, he decides to wander the countryside in his underwear and turn himself in to the first Germans he finds, claiming amnesia from the explosion. Officer Crabtree instead suggests René go the road junction, where he will "find" him roaming at half past six.

As he is wandering the countryside, the first German he meets is lieutenant Gruber in his little tank. At first, he fakes amnesia, but when Gruber offers to give him a lift in his little tank and then take him home with him to give him a bath, he suddenly regains his memory in an instant and tries to reject the offer, by running away.