Plot[]
René informs the audience that he now has 258 exploding Christmas puddings down in his cellar. The next moment, Edith comes out from the backroom, telling him that Michelle is in there, wanting to speak to them all. Therefore, the two of them, Yvette and Mimi go in there. Michelle tells them of the new plan for getting the airmen back to England, which is for the British navy to send a midget-submarine up the canal at midnight. Two men will be driving it, but because it is only a two-man submarine, the airmen will sit astride it, wearing diving helmets. René does not like the idea and thinks he has had enough. When the others rush off to tell the airmen, he waits behind in the backroom and keeps Yvette with him. He tells her that he has had enough and that he is going to elope with her. They will take the paintings, go to Switzerland and hide in the mountains until the war is over. They have one last cuddle, but after that, they are not even to talk to each other - René will give her a note when he is ready and tell her when the train is leaving.
They are interrupted by Helga, who enters the café and announces herself in her usual loud way. She tells René that he is to come with her to Colonel Von Strohm's office, bringing the knockwursts with the paintings. As a troop of four guards are sent in, he cannot refuse and gets the paintings.
At the colonel's office, René tells him that the sausages were perfectly safe in his larder until after the war, but the colonel informs him, that General Von Klinkerhoffen has been ordered by Hitler himself to send them to Berlin. As the Führer is taking no chances, he has sent an art expert to have them authenticated, so they cannot send the forgeries. They have even been threatened to be sent to the Russian front and have been fitted out with appropriate clothes, displayed by Lieutenant Gruber as he enters the office, in full winter garments, including snow shoes. René puts the suasages (both the originals and the forgeries) on the table and the colonel then informs him, that they have been ordered to shoot the peasant who has been hiding them. He gives René a 60 second head start, and René flees through the window.
Helga goes to Herr Flick and informs him of what has happened. Herr Flick talks to his god-father Heinrich Himmler, who tells him that for the last week, Hitler has been camping in the Black Forest with Eva Braun. Therefore, he does not believe that Hitler could have been ordering the painting (Herr Flick knows only of The Fallen Madonna and not of The Cracked Vase) to be sent to Berlin. The painting is already in the general's possession and after it has been authenticated by the art expert, whom Helga now reveals to be Swedish, from Switzerland, it will be sent to Berlin. Herr Flick then orders Von Smallhausen to come in, informing them both of his plan. He and Von Smallhausen will be on the train, recover the painting and then sell it, after which he and Helga will elope to a tropical island.
Von Strohm fixes his telephone with a piece of chewing gum, so that he and Gruber can hear every word spoken in the office on Helga's telephone. This is so they will be able to find out on which train the paintings will be sent. The next moment, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives with the Swedish art expert Yoop Hoop de Hoop and the colonel and the lieutenant are ordered out into the ante room. The general knows of the chewing gum trick and thus eliminates that way of listening in on him and the expert. The colonel therefore orders the lieutenant to go outside and climb up to the office window, to hear what is being said in the office. When the general and the expert have finished and let the colonel have his office back, he discovers that Gruber has not managed to climb the ivy, but instead, Helga has been hiding behind the curtain and heard what has been going on. The paintings have been authenticated, but they are not to be sent to Hitler. The art expert has instead paid the general one million in gold bars (in a suitcase) and will send the paintings to "his client" (who is unknown) in Geneva.
René goes to Officer Crabtree in the police station to ask for help, as the general is looking for him. Crabtree shows him the picture of him that the general has sent out and it does not look like René. The next moment, the general is approaching the station and René hides under the desk. The general informs Crabtree that the safe in the chateau has been blown up and he must therefore put his suitcase in the police safe. Nobody is to see what is in the safe and Crabtree is therefore ordered to leave the room, while the general puts the suitcase in the safe. As he is doing so, René spots the gold bars inside it. The general then keeps the key and then asks Crabtree if there is any spare key, which there is. He takes that one too and leaves. René then tells Crabtree of the gold bars. Crabtree does not think it is a problem that the general has taken "both" keys since he has a drawer with another fourteen spare keys. When the telephone rings and Crabtree becomes occupied with it, René secretly grabs one of the keys, opens the safe and vanishes with some of the gold bars.
In the backroom, René then writes a note for Yvette, telling her that he has "nicked a fortune in gold" and that she is to join him on the 11.15 Geneva Express (including the ticket in the letter). He gives this note to LeClerc and asks him to pass it to Yvette. As he thinks René ought to write a goodbye note to Edith, he does so and gives that to LeClerc too. He then leaves through the window and goes to the station, where he awaits the train.
At the café, Edith finishes her singing - the only one applauding her is Monsieur Alfonse, who is a guest at the café. After this, monsieur LeClerc gives her her note. Unfortunately, he mixes them up and gives Yvette's note to Edith. She becomes very excited at this and places the note in the till, after which she leaves for the station. Then, LeClerc gives Yvette her note (which is actually Edith's) and she becomes heartbroken. As the letter also reads "Monsieur Alfonse will make you a fine husband", she slaps him in the face. The next moment, Mimi finds the first note in the till and thinks it is for her.
The colonel goes to the station, disguised as a train guard and manages to lure the real guard away. Helga arrives, disguised as a rich woman, and the colonel repeats the plan to her, which is for her to distract the Swedish art expert and get the key to the safe from him, while Von Strohm and Gruber switch the paintings for the forgeries. The next moment, Gruber arrives, not disguised as a dining car attendant, which was the intention, since he could not find such a uniform. Instead, he is also disguised as a train guard.
As the train has started rolling, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen enter the dining car and orders the two chefs to hand over their uniforms and jump off the train. Meanwhile, the Swedish art expert places the paintings in one of the train's valuable boxes, keeping the key. René finds his compartment and as he enters it, he talks to (as he thinks) Yvette through the curtains of his sleeping berth. When he pulls the curtains aside, he discovers Edith there instead.
Quotes[]
Monsieur Alfonse: (after Yvette slaps him) "All I asked for was a Bloody Mary".
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