Pretty Maids All in a Row

Pretty Maids All in a Row
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & David Croft
Director	David Croft
Transmission Details
Airdate	2 January 1987
Continuity
Previous	Flight of Fancy
Next	The Great Un-Escape

René explains to the audience how he has driven the gypsy caravan back from the museum alone - "apparently out of control" - after the others hade gone out to push it. He has hidden the painting behind a "worthless" picture of some flowers, given to Fanny years ago by a painter in exchange for her services. He then hangs it where nobody would suspect it - on a wall in the café. As he has done so, Yvette storms in and tells him and Edith that General Von Klinkerhoffen has discovered his lawnmower engine, damaged at the museum and he will begin a search of the town for the British airmen. Anyone found hiding them will be shot. However, Maria comes up with a plan. She shaves off their moustaches and dresses them up as bar maids, after which they come down into the café. Edith thinks nobody will suspect them, but René points out that there will be suspicions if the Germans take them upstairs and ask for their favours. Since the airmen do not speak French and the café gang do not speak English, René tries to mime to them that if any German tries to pick them up, they are not to go with him. He does this by indicating a Hitler moustache, making the Heil Hitler salute, walking with marching steps, pointing upstairs, making kissing sounds and indicating "no". Carstairs does not understand it at all and Fairfax thinks it means that if Hitler comes by, they are not to go upstairs with him. René also tells them not to speak, by hushing them. However, Fairfax thinks it means that if they do go upstairs with Hitler, they are not to tell anyone. The next moment, the colonel and the captain knock at the door and Maria pushes the airmen into the kitchen.

The German officers tell René that the general is very angry after having found his mower engine on the airplane. Secondly, the colonel demands René assure him that he is not hiding the British airmen, which he assures him. Thirdly, the general is looking for the painting and René informs them where it is hidden - a place they think is very good. After he has told them this, Helga comes in and says the general is looking for them. The moment thereafter, Gruber enters and announces General Von Klinkerhoffen, who barges in and makes everybody stand up with their hands on their heads, while the German soldiers search the place. The general also accuses the colonel and the captain of being incompetent and will probably have them court-martialed. However, Helga vouches for them. The next moment, the soldiers bring out the airmen from the kitchen. René and Edith try to explain they have been taken on as extra staff, since they are so busy. However, the general fancies them and requisitions them for work in the chateau - to begin the next morning. Before the general leaves, he spots the painting on the wall. Gruber assures him that it is made by Van Gogh and in order to have it authenticated, the general takes it with him.

After the Germans have left, the café gang come to the conclusion they must inform Michelle of what has happened. However, she already knows, since she has been hiding behind the bar all the time. She talks to the airmen and it turns out, they need uniforms - otherwise they will be shot as spies. They all go upstairs to contact London on the radio.

When they enter the bedroom, Fanny complains that her bed is full of old ladies. It turns out Yvette and Maria have hidden there, disguised as old crones. The next moment, the bedknobs start flashing and they can soon get in touch with London. Since the airmen have not shown up there, London assumes they have drowned in the Channel. However, René informs London that they are still with them and that they need two uniforms urgently. However, London informs them there are no available planes - thus, the uniforms cannot be sent.

Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are sitting in a tree, eavesdropping on the radio with headphones. This way, they find out about the airmen being disguised. Helga informs them that there are two new maids at the café and this makes Herr Flick urgent to investigate.

Officer Crabtree enters the café and informs René there are two girls dressed as "tarts" outside. René then tells him that they are the British airmen and urges him to make sure nobody picks them up, which he does. Meanwhile, monsieur LeClerc is asked to keep an eye on the bar while the rest of the café gang meet up with Michelle in the backroom. She says the airmen will be hidden where nobody will find them and for this, she has engaged the services of monsieur Alfonse. For some time now, he has been digging a tunnel from his mortuary to the prisoner of war camp on the other side of the road. Meanwhile, the British prisoners in this camp have been digging a tunnel out of there and they are about to connect. Therefore, she leaves the question of smuggling the two airmen to the mortuary to René, but once they are there, they will be hidden inside the camp. Edith comes up with a plan, which she tells to Yvette and Maria.

In the colonel's office, the general and the lieutenant are examining the painting, while the colonel and the captain are waiting nervously outside. After a while, Gruber shows them in and the general orders them to watch the café René closely, as that is the closest lead they have when it comes to finding the British airmen. He has also found out, from Gruber, that the painting is a genuine Van Gogh. After he has shown them out, he asks Gruber to come in again and orders him to make a copy of the Van Gogh painting but not tell anyone about it. Helga then comes in and announces Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen. They inform the general that they intend to infiltrate the café in disguise - dressed up as French maids. The general does not approve of this.

That same night, Gruber is playing piano at the café. Meanwhile, Yvette is cuddling with the captain and manages to get hold of his gun. Under the pretence of filling up his wine glass, she goes to the bar, where René puts blanks in the gun, after which Yvette returns it to Hans. The others prepare to act out a scene in the café. René, Edith and LeClerc dress up as Spaniards and perform a "Flamenco Fandango". Soon, officer Crabtree sends in the airmen, dressed as tarts. René dances with them and acts very intimately with them. Apparently, Edith becomes jealous of him and demands he stop. However, he acts nonchalant and tells her he will take them upstairs. She then asks the captain to defend her honour. He is somewhat reluctant and therefore, she grabs his gun in order to shoot René (with the blanks). Instead she happens to "shoot" the airmen, who fall down on the floor, with bloodstained handkerchiefs (with ketchup on). At that moment, officer Crabtree enters the café to arrest the captain, since he is holding the smoking gun and is clearly the guilty party. René informs him that he has no authority over the Germans but if the general would find out, both the captain and the colonel would be in deep trouble. René "bribes" the policeman with 50,000 francs to look the other way. Then he asks for an undertaker and monsieur Alfonse reports himself. When they have made all Germans in the café leave by the backdoor, monsieur Alfonse and officer Crabtree move "the bodies" to the mortuary.