Six Big Boobies

Six Big Boobies
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & David Croft
Director	David Croft
Transmission Details
Airdate	21 October 1985 (1985-10-21)
Continuity
Previous	The Dance of the Hitler Youth
Next	The Wooing of Widow Artois

Plot

At the beginning of the episode, we are informed that the two British airmen have been hidden, by the resistance, in a nearby nunnery. Since René has been "shot dead" and is now posing as his own twin brother, Edith - who is now a widow - is looking for his will. René is not worried she will find it, since he has hidden it in their cuckoo clock - but she does find it. It leaves everything he owns to her, except a billiard table (for Maria) and a couch (for Yvette). Since Lieutenant Gruber has arrived, they have to play along with the charade. After they have had a toast to René's memory, Edith takes some money from the till to go and buy herself a new hat.

As Edith leaves, Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering show up at the café. First, the colonel asks Gruber to move his armoured car, as it is in his parking place, second, he complains to Hans that he has sat down before he has - a colonel does everything before a captain - and third he tries to blackmail René into giving him the names of the resistance girls, by telling him that now, when Herr Flick has the painting, René does not have a hold on him anymore. However, René counters this by saying he has written a letter - signed by the whole village - about how the two officers have helped the resistance blow up the railway. If René should be arrested, this letter will be handed over to Herr Flick. However, he tells him that the airmen are gone, which satisfies him.

Helga visits Herr Flick at his headquarters. First, he tells her to wipe her lips, after which she is allowed to kiss him. Then, he shows her the three paintings of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies, all hanging on the wall, framed. The real one is to provide for them after the war, when they are married. As Helga tells him she already has a sweetheart in the army, he replies "Give me his name, rank and serial number and he will not be a problem." On the other hand, she says he has not got Herr Flick's dominating nature. Then, Herr Flick informs her of the problem: As a peasant was tidying up his office, the paintings were mixed up and now he does not know which is the real one and which are the forgeries. He then asks her to find somebody, who can determine which is the real one. The forger himself cannot do it, since he is unavailable (he "accidentally" fell out of a Gestapo car, onto the railway line and was run over by the Berlin express).

René and Maria agree to rendezvous in the broom cupboard under the stairs in ten minutes. Then, Edith comes down the stairs wearing some fine clothes and her new hat - which René thinks looks like a dead hen. Monsieur LeClerc and madame Fanny have also dressed up and the three of them - Fanny in her wheelchair - start walking around the village for Edith to attract suitors.

Meanwhile, René and Maria meet in the broom cupboard. Since René and Edith are no longer officially married, she asks him if he will not marry her instead. However, he says he must first find a way to get his money and his café back from Edith. After this little meeting, he goes into the backroom, where he finds Yvette. She also asks him to marry her and he gives her the same answer. The have a little cuddle, but are interrupted by Michelle's knocking on the window. She tells them that the airmen have left the nunnery since the Germans came looking for them. They are now on the run and need a place to hide. René does not want them, but the next moment, they both show up - dressed as nuns. When René asks Michelle to drive them away, she demands, at gunpoint, that he hide them somewhere in his house. Suddenly, they hear a car coming and it turns out it is the two German officers. Since the airmen cannot go out the back way (then they would be discovered by the driver of the car) and not through the café (since the officers are approaching), they and René get down on their knees, singing "Ave Maria" to pretend they are praying, with Yvette also joining, standing up. The Germans ask Maria for René. They ask if he is in the backroom and when she says no, the colonel decides they will wait for him in there. As they enter and find René, Yvette and the nuns singing, Yvette explains they are having a service for René's brother. Finally, the colonel can say what he has come for, namely that Helga has been instructed to take Gruber to Herr Flick's headquarters and the colonel is worried that he knows something about their doings. René assures him that he does not know anything. Then, the Germans leave.

Helga informs Herr Flick that she has searched Lieutenant Gruber's record and has found out he once attended an art gallery. Herr Flick decides to question him about this and Gruber is brought into his office - stuffed in a big sack. As he is taken out of the sack, Herr Flick first asks him to identify the real painting, which is no problem. Then, he makes sure Gruber will not say anything to anybody, by taking a picture of him being kissed and cuddled by a very lightly clad Helga. As Gruber is a homosexual, this becomes very painful to him.

In the café, Yvette and Maria inform Michelle that they have hidden the airmen in a very safe place. Edith, Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc come home after their long promenade around the village. Edith has attracted some suitors and three of them have even given her their card. As the guests start arriving for the evening, Edith intends to sing for them, but as Monsieur LeClerc is about to start playing the piano, he cannot get a tune out of it - there are just "ooh" and "ouch" coming out of it. It turns out the airmen - still dressed as nuns - are hiding inside it. When a few Germans ask her to sing "Lili Marleen", Monsieur LeClerc asks the airmen to hum it. In order to hide to the colonel and the captain, that the piano is not playing, René gives them cheese to stuff in their ears and he and Yvette join Edith in the singing.