The Crooked Fences

The Crooked Fences
Production Details
Written by	David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
Director	Martin Dennis
Transmission Details
Airdate	7 October 1989
Continuity
Previous	The Airmen De-Nicked
Next	Crabtree's Podgeon Pist

Plot

Mimi, Fairfax, René, Carstairs and Edith are sitting by the roadside, while René tries to saw the chains of the handcuffs off with a small hacksaw, which unfortunately breaks. However, soon Monsieur Alfonse arrives with his hearse, with Michelle and Yvette, also dressed as undertakers, with him. They have also brought a hammer and chisel, to use on the chains. Secondly, Monsieur Alfonse has also brought a tombstone to use as an anvil. It has René's name on it (just in case he would die, due to the dangerous life he leads). When the chisel also breaks, they try thinking of various ways to break the chains, but none of them are any good. Mimi notes that Crabtree has keys at the police station, but it is difficult to get there, especially since the three "undertakers" leave them. However, Edith notices a little workman's tent by the roadside. They all go inside it and, covered by it, walk back to Nouvion.

Herr Flick is rather moody and the fact that he did not get a chance to interrogate the airmen does not make things better. His godfather Himmler might want to take repercussions against him and he therefore decides to make himself ready to flee. This includes selling the portrait of The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klomp, which he believes is hanging in René's larder. He therefore asks Von Smallhausen to find him a fence, which he can sell the painting to.

Lieutenant Gruber and Helga informs colonel Von Strohm that the airmen are gone, which is good for all of them. However, the colonel notes that general Von Klinkerhoffen might take action against them, when he finds this out. They should therefore be prepared to flee, by selling the painting, which the colonel has in a drawer in his desk. Therefore, he asks Gruber to find a crooked fence. He says they will divide the proceeds three-ways, but is corrected by captain Bertorelli, who has been listening in at the door and now bursts in and wants a share.

In the café, René is trembling with nervousness and both he and Edith become even more shaky, when Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen enter the café. He orders René to get the sausage with the painting from his larder (which Herr Flick thinks is the real one, but which is only a forgery) and bring it to his secret headquarters that same evening. In the larder, Mimi cannot find the correct one and Edith says she has put it in a special drawer. However, in there, the mice have eaten it, so there is not much left of it. René therefore comes up with the plan to take the colonel's gold (which he still has in his possession as the weight of the cuckoo clock) and leave for England, together with Edith and the waitresses. The next moment, Yvette announces that Gruber has arrived, wanting to talk to him. He says he needs a crooked fence and René promises to find one. When Gruber has left, Edith comes up with the plan to give the gold to the German officers for the painting and then give it to Herr Flick. She also has an idea of whom to contact to act as a fence.

In the evening, officer Crabtree comes into the café, announcing his new companion, a female British agent, who, as it turns out, speaks just as poor French as he does. When they have sat down at a table, Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber, captain Bertorelli and Helga enter. René tells them that the meeting with the fence will take place in the back room and that he will wear a paper bag, not to be recognized. The colonel then says he will also wear a paper bag and René has already prepared one for him. The others, however, do not trust him and demand to be allowed to join the meeting.

Ernest stuffs Fanny's bed with forged money, which he has spent the last four nights making. Later, Yvette finds this money and when she shows it to René and tells him that it was Ernest to put it there, he realises it must be forged.

The four Germans go into the back room and, when the fence arrives, put paper bags over their heads. The fence turns out to be Monsieur Alfonse, who also puts a paper bag over his head, before entering the room. René introduces all of them as "colonel X", "captain X", "lieutenant X", "private X" (which Helga corrects as "lance corporal X") and "Monsieur X". They manage to carry out the deal, where René gets the painting and the Germans get the golden cuckoo clock weight, but during the meeting, all five of "the X's" manage to have their real identities revealed by slips of the tongue.

At the Germans' headquarters, they come to the conclusion, that it is not satisfactory to have the weight divided into four parts and for them to have one part each. They need to exchange the gold for hard cash and call René again, since they need another fence. Meanwhile, René sends Mimi to deliver the painting ("a spare forgery which [he] had lying about") to Herr Flick. When he has answered the Germans' phone call, he tells Yvette that the Germans want cash instead of the gold, but he has a plan to get the gold back and get rid of the forged money, without risk of discovery and without Edith's knowledge.

René disguises himself as a priest and goes to the local church (accompanied by Yvette). In there, he enters the priest's place in the confessional box. The plan is for the colonel to enter the confessor's place, give the gold to "the priest" and receive cash in exchange. However, the plan goes wrong, when Edith comes along and confesses a sin (her thoughts about her husband having an affair with their waitresses). This gives the real priest time to come to the church and, after Edith has gone, find René in the confession box. The next moment, the Germans enter the church and the colonel enters the confession box. However, the priest knows nothing of the plan, so when the colonel has given him the gold, he does not give him any cash in return, but tells him to do three "Hail Marys" and leave.