The Gestapo Ruins A Picnic

The Gestapo Ruins A Picnic
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam
Director	Mike Stephens
Transmission Details
Airdate	2 February 1991
Continuity
Previous	Up The Crick Without A Piddle
Next	The Spirit Of Nouvion

Plot

René is standing in the café, counting wine bottles, when he is interrupted by Yvette, who wants a quick cuddle with him. As usual, Edith walks in on them (coming down the stairs). After she has fallen for René's explanation and Yvette has gone upstairs, Michelle comes into the café, telling René and Edith that officer Crabtree has found the British airmen in the pigsty. She then tells them of the new plan to get them back to England. Her girls have already sawed through six telephone poles, which they will fell in the dark of night and use them to build a raft (the trees in the woods are out of bounds) on which the airmen will row back to England. Coincidentally, this will also make them disturb the German communication lines. The next moment, Crabtree walks into the café with the airmen. They are still wearing their monks' outfits and smell awful from the night in the pigsty. Thus, they are sent upstairs to have a bath.

At the monastery, Helga uses a bird call to catch Herr Flick's attention. Soon, he and Von Smallhausen turn up, on a small roof. When they have jumped down from there, it turns out that Helga could not find a car for their getaway, but has brought a tandem tricycle instead, which is "most unsatisfactory" to Herr Flick. However, they flee the monastery on this tricycle anyway.

In colonel Von Strohm's office, general Von Klinkerhoffen is outraged over a poster he has found in the town square. It is a call for all people in the village to resist the "accursed Boche". It makes fun of Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Von Klinkerhoffen and even has a caricature of him on the reverse side, captioned "Von Kinkyhoffen". The general decides to strike back at the resistance, by reopening the local newspaper, which the Germans closed at the beginning of the occupation. They will use it to spread their own propaganda. To give it more credence in the eys of the villagers, they decide to have a Frenchman as the editor of the paper and Gruber suggests René, which the general thinks is a good idea.

At Herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen brings in the latest issue of the "Health and Efficiency Magazine" with a centre-fold, pull-out Rhine maiden in it - unadorned. When Herr Flick has had a look at her, he decides to order the Rhine maiden calendar, but when he picks up the telephone receiver, he can hear nothing. It turns out that they have not paid their telephone bill; thus they have been cut off. Herr Flick decides to telephone his godfather Heinrich Himmler for more money and in order to be able to use the telephone, they are to use their special Gestapo telephone-tapping equipment and tap into the line outside Nouvion.

In the café, monsieur Alfonse, Gruber, René and Edith are sitting around a table and Gruber has just asked (or rather ordered) René to be the editor of the newspaper. Monsieur Alfonse says he was once a reporter for the paper and can assist him. When they discuss what to put in the paper, Gruber says there will be articles on the members of the German garrison, "to give them a human face" and therefore, he shows the others a few pictures of himself. As they also are going to show "how happy the French are under German rule", monsieur Alfonse suggests they have a picture of madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc, Nouvion's happiest honeymooners. Edith immediately goes upstairs to tell them. When the three men are alone, they discuss having a beautiful, light clad young lady on page three. For this end, monsieur Alfonse shows the others a few pictures of former beauty queens of Nouvion (such as "Miss top of the milk, 1918"). Gruber, however, resists having such pictures in the paper and René agrees with him. When the lieutenant is off to tell the general of the progress with the paper, he gives René a few pamphlets that show how well the Germans are doing in the war. René thinks they confirmed what Gruber said earlier, that they must not let facts get in the way of a good story.

When Gruber has left, Michelle, who has been eavesdropping on them, comes into the café from the backroom. Now that the printing presses are about to roll again, she demands that René help the resistance print an underground newspaper to call on all France to stand up against the Germans. When she happens to see monsieur Alfonse's old pin-ups, she thinks they are disgusting and says she has better legs than any of those girls. She even shows René and Alfonse one of her legs, making Alfonse's dicky ticker set in.

Later that day, monsieur Alfonse sets up his camera in front of the café to take Fanny's and Ernest's picture. As they are preparing themselves, they are joined by the German officers. Fanny, who hates the Germans start spitting on them and all over the place. She accidentally spits on Ernest's tie, which leads to the two of them starting to argue and have a big fight. Thus they leave the square before the picture can be taken.

The next moment, Helga drives the general's car into the square and he wants to talk to René and Gruber. He has decided, that the Germans will have a picnic with the French and that they will have pictures taken of this happy and convivial occasion. That same afternoon, the German officers and the café gang will all go on a picnic together and all German officers below the rank of general will go there on a ten kilometre running hike. The general goes by car (driven by Helga) and the Frenchmen ride in monsieur Alfonse's hearse. Meanwhile, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen climb up a telephone pole to tap into the telephone line and call Himmler in Berlin.

When they have all sat down in a big haystack in a field, monsieur Alfonse lines up his camera. He has brought three photo plates in case of any error. There are errors occurring, because every time he takes a picture, it is ruined by people moving around (the first time because Edith accidentally pours Champagne over the general, the second time because there are ants making the girls itch and the third time because Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen fall down over the party, since they had climbed up one of the poles that the resistance had sawed halfway through and the pole eventually breaks. The Gestapo officers soon flee and the general sends his officers running after them.