The Poloceman Cometh

The Poloceman Cometh
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & David Croft
Director	David Croft
Transmission Details
Airdate	4 November 1985
Continuity
Previous	The Wooing of Widow Artois
Next	Swiftly and with Style

Plot

René, Edith, Yvette, Maria, Michelle and Henriette are all out at night, posing as mushroom pickers, while Monsieur LeClerc is posing as a milk maid who is to take the cows (one of which is the British airmen disguised as a cow) to the field. The cows are stopped by a German patrol, who are in need of some milk. While everybody except LeClerc hides, one of the German soldiers is about to milk the "airman cow", but this is prevented by two German officers coming by on a motorcycle and driving the patrol away. René, having watched from a distance, is so afraid he has eaten a toadstool.

At that moment, they hear the plane coming to pick up the airmen. However, it does not land but drops two parachutes, one of which holds a package, the other holding a person. They run toward the landing place and find the person, a man (officer Crabtree), hanging from a tree, dressed as a gendarme (French policeman). He explains he is a British spy, sent to "try out a new escape pack". The airmen in the cow suit sit down to wait while the others clear out the situation. After they have managed to get him down, Michelle asks why they have sent another Englishmen. He explains it is because he speaks French. This makes everybody rather impressed, but as he starts speaking, the impression fades away, since it turns out his French is not very good. His first words are: "I have brung grootings from British ontelligence headqitters. I am disgizzed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom." Michelle says they will tell everybody he comes from a remote village in the country, to make up for his bad French. Monseiur LeClerc and Henriette bring the package dropped in the other parachute. The policeman explains it is the escape package, which René must hide in his cellar.

The next day, Helga comes into the officers' office and after telling the colonel that her mission is complete, she shows him the knockwurst she has concealed on her person. When Hans asks about this, she once again explains the plan with the knockwursts. Then, René shows up to inform them, that the resistance have refused to blow up the train that the knockwurst will be sent on. The reason, he informs them, is that they have a previous engagement with blowing up a German ammunition lorry. However, he says he could ask the communist resistance, since they will do almost anything for money.

Monseiur LeClerc has taken Fanny for a walk (pushing her in her wheelchair) and when they return to the café, she wants to sit at a table outside it, having a few drinks. She explains that now that it is Edith's café, they can have drinks for free. Meanwhile, René tries to arrange for the train to be blown up by the communist resistance, but their price is far too high. Monseiur LeClerc comes in to pour a glass of gin for Fanny, something that René does not like. However, Edith explains it is her gin, for her mother.

As Kurt, Hans and Helga enter the café, Kurt complains to Hubert that he has once again parked his armoured car in his parking place and Hubert apologizes for this. When they tell René that the "normal" knockwurst has been place on the train, supervised by Herr Flick himself, René informs them that nobody will agree to blow it up. Things look very dark for them, but Helga comes up with a plan. They will steal Gruber's armoured car, use it to shoot at the ammunition on the train (which the knockwurst has been placed next to) and blame the resistance for blowing up the train. Some peasants will be shot as revenge and everything will be back to normal. When they steal Gruber's car, he will think it is the resistance, some more peasants will be shot and that will be the end of it. The colonel decides he, who, as an officer, cannot get involved in such a plan, will distract Gruber while Hans and René steal the car. René suggests Hans and Helga do it, but Helga has an engagement with Herr Flick. As they have finished discussing the plan, Gruber comes up to them and bids them good night. However, the colonel asks him not to go to bed that early. He invites him to the café for dinner at half past nine, which he accepts.

The new policeman enters the café and tells René that "the old lady" (Fanny) outside is drunk and is hitting customers with her walking stick. René runs out to find Monsieur LeClerc desperately trying to stop her. René also tries, but the two Germans who were about to come into the café leave. As Gruber is about to leave, he asks if he can give anyone a lift and the colonel tells him to give Hans a lift and let him play with his cannon (in order for him to get a feeling for how it works).

Herr Flick has forced Helga to stand in a corner for ten minutes for burning his toast. He then tries to decide what they should do. They could go to the movies or stay in his headquarters and listen to Hitler's speeches. Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

That same evening, Edith sings a song for the guests in the café. After that, lieutenant Gruber arrives and they put the plan into action. While the colonel and the lieutenant have dinner and the girls (Yvette and Maria) come sitting on their laps, René and Hans steal the car, with René driving and Hans being the lookout. At first, René happens to put it in reverse and so, they drive over and mangle the colonel's car. Then, they drive away towards the railway. Meanwhile, the policeman enters the café and informs whoever owns the armoured car, that it is being stolen. Gruber gets upset over this and calls Herr Flick to report it.

Hans and René stop next to the railway line. When the train goes by, Hans makes two attempts to shoot the ammunition car, but misses both times. As the train has gone by, there is nothing more for them to do but to turn back and go home.