Up The Crick Without A Piddle

Up The Crick Without A Piddle
Production Details
Written by	Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam
Director	Sue Longstaff
Transmission Details
Airdate	26 January 1991
Continuity
Previous	Fleeing Monks
Next	The Gestapo Ruins A Picnic

Plot

In the plane to England, Edith becomes airsick. When she tells René that she has left the bar in Fanny's and Ernest's charge, René is not very happy about it, since he thinks they will drink too much of its contents themselves and not be able to keep track of the money. As a British pilot comes in, trying to cheer them up, they do not understand a word he is saying and can only answer things like "flo, flo, flo, flo" and "rah, rah, rah, rah", which they think resemble English.

Back at the café, madame Fanny forces Mimi and Yvette to scrub the floor and make them work very hard. When they refuse to work, she only tells them that she is in charge until René returns and that if they do not do as they are told, she will put them back in the street - "where [they] belong".

At the British ministry of defence, there is a realisation that the plane has picked up "the wrong two monks". René and Edith are brought in and a man is being sent for to interpret between them and the ministry personnel. However, before he arrives, the two officers with them try to talk to them, but one of them cannot speak French and the other one speaks the same mangled kind of French that Crabtree does. Thus, René and Edith do not understand much of what they are saying and therefore do not answer them. This means that the communication between them does not work at all, until the interpretor arrives. When he does, it becomes somewhat of a surprise, both to him and to René and Edith. He turns out to be Hans Geering, whom they have not seen since their escape from the prison camp (in the episode Prisoners of War) and heard since his message on the radio (in the episode Camp Dance). When they are alone, Hans tells René and Edith, that he has now become a "neutralised Englishman" after three months of brainwash and is now a British citizen. He also says he knows that René is "Nighthawk", the hero of the resistance. He also has to interrogate them a little, just for show. When the two officers rejoin them, Hans tells them that there was a "cockup" in France and that the British airmen were not there, when they were to be picked up. René and Edith tried to tell them this, but were dragged into the plane and flown off to England. However, the officers are vary pleased to hear that René is "Nighthawk". As they hear that Winston Churchill wants to see them right away, they are dressed in civilian gentleman's clothes, which were standing by for Fairfax and Carstairs. When Hans tells the two of them that Churchill wants to see them and probably wants to give them a medal, they are not very happy about it, since medals are the last thing they need.

At the café, colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli are enquiring about René, while Fanny is "warming up her tonsils" for the evening, when she is going to sing. Before the Germans leave, with Yvette having assured them that Rene has just gone away for a few days, they order a table at the café for that same evening. When they have left, officer Crabtree arrives, telling Mimi and Yvette that Michelle has had a message from England, that René and Edith are over there and that they do not know where the airmen are. Michelle is going to speak to London on the radio in Fanny's bedroom and two o'clock. Meanwhile, Crabtree is going to look for the airmen on his bicycle.

It turns out, that the airmen have ended up in a pig sty, where they, still dressed as monks, try to eat the pigs' food.

Churchill receives René and Edith at 10 Downing Street. Firstly, he does not think they look very French, because of the very British clothes they are wearing. Secondly, he does not see that Edith is a woman and at first thinks they are brothers. When Hans explains they are married, he becomes even more confused and is not totally convinced when Hans tells him Edith is a woman. When Churchill has given them a medal each, Hans takes them to tea on expenses.

In the monastery, Von Smallhausen is pedalling a potter's wheel, while Herr Flick is trying to make a pot on it. However, he succeeds poorly, since he does not know the art of pottery. The next moment, they are joined by a nun, who turns out to be Helga in disguise. She asks if they have found out if any of the monks speaks English, but they have not, since it is a silent order. She has also brought them some sandwiches.

While madame Fanny is sleeping on her bed, Michelle, Crabtree, Yvette and Mimi talk to René and Edith on the radio. They are all wondering what has happened to the British airmen, but neither party knows. When Edith learns that Fanny has passed out on her bed and that monsieur LeClerc is serving all his old pals free drinks, she becomes determined to return that same night. Before that, however, Hans take her and René shopping and also takes them for a cup of tea at Lyon's Corner House, where they are interrupted by an air raid and must go down to a shelter. Edith has decided to return, since Fanny and Ernest are ruining the business, while René has decided to stay in England.

In the evening, the German officers sit down at their ordered table in the café. They inform Yvette, that René has been missing for almost 24 hours and a person missing longer than that will be arrested and interrogated when found, along with his friends and relatives.

In the aircraft bringing Edith (who is wearing a parachute) back, René and Hans have joined her to say goodbye. René does not change his mind about staying in England, but when he and Edith are saying good bye, they are both standing on the trap door through which Edith will be dropped, when it is opened. Thus René unintentionally comes back too, clinging on to her while they are floating down through the air.

Madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc are preparing a cabaret number in her bedroom, when René and Edith smash through the roof and land in her bed. Thus, when the time is up for René, he and Edith come downstairs, dressed in Fanny's and Ernest's clothes, performing the cabaret number. As René is about to escape through the back passage, general Von Klinkerhoffen comes in and tells him, that he will not be given a medal after all. Berlin has informed him, that blowing up somebody by accident does not count as sufficient collaboration.

Trivia

• Note: In the episode before this, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are deprived of their spectacles, which are even crushed, since they are not allowed any worldly goods in the monastery. However, in this episode, they have recovered their spectacles (although the lenses are mostly smashed).
• Note: In this episode, Sam Kelly makes a one occasion special appearance as captain Hans Geering. This is the last time he appears on the show.